Friday, July 24, 2009

Cha-cha-cha-changes...

Medication is a wonderful thing. But too much medicine not only costs a lot of money, it can also make us placid.

With mind-bending meds, you want just enough medicine in your system to keep you off the bridge railings, but not so much meds that you don't have incentive to change. Too much medication makes you content with the status quo. You're just all right - not too happy, not too sad. It doesn't matter if you lose weight or exercise, because it doesn't really make a difference. It doesn't matter if you go to a party at the neighbors, because you don't need to meet new people and make new friends - you'll still feel the same tomorrow.

Well, it's time to end the status quo. Between my pocketbook and the lack of measurable progress these last few years, it is time for me to stop being content. So, I'm going off my meds.

Oh, not all at once. Nope; the meds I'm on don't like it when you try to quit them. The side effects kick in - brain "shivers" (the wierd tingly sensation in your head), disconnection, etc., etc., etc. - when you don't take your daily dose. I'm about half way through a slow tapering off. And it is going surprisingly well - proof that it really is the right time.

Yes, the events of this month - the neighbors, the health problems - did set me back. But for every day of light, there must be night, and darkness. True depression, desperate depression, scuttles back from any hint of light, believing all is hopeless. I, for the first time in years, saw the light of dawn, and embraced it.

Oh, I know there will be setbacks along the way. Light can't be without dark. Contrast is the natural enemy of status quo. But maybe, just maybe, I've learned enough to wait out those stormy nights and hold out hope for the brilliant light of dawn.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Lou said...

Hang in there with us, Cary. We will see you through!! We love you!

5:14 PM, July 24, 2009  
Blogger Scope Dope Cherrybomb said...

Listen to Lou. She's right. We love you and we are here for you. Vent with us.

Be careful coming off those drugs. I hope you are doing it with your doctor's guidance.

Take care.

6:04 PM, July 24, 2009  
Blogger Merry said...

Listen to Lou and Scope!

ventsk - an exclamation that starts out as a vent and ends as a reproach.

7:15 PM, July 24, 2009  
Blogger rssasrb said...

You go Cary. Glad you're doing it slowly and carefully. You deserve the light.

1:20 PM, July 25, 2009  
Blogger GatorPerson said...

Very brave, Cary. Just ask for help if the speed bumps start messing with you.

2:22 PM, July 25, 2009  
Blogger BCB said...

I agree with your assessment -- if the drugs put you into a state of eternal apathy, not sure that's a good thing. As awful as the black moments are, I don't think I'd want to get rid of them if it meant there'd never be any more bright sunlight.

Life does seem to be a balance of good and bad, happy and sad. I think the trick is to remember it's a bit like a pendulum and while you sometimes seem to hang suspended at one extreme or the other, after a time (sometimes longer than others) you'll start the swing back the other way. So don't jump off, okay? Sure, we'd all be here to catch you, but still.

And yeah, make sure your doc knows what you're doing with the meds.

Hang in there, babe. We're here for you, you know that, right?

Oh, and all that crap on the last post about YOUR guilt and atonement and redemption? Please. You are not personally responsible for identifying and preventing all the evil in the world -- I don't care if it happens behind the next wall (where you COULD NOT SEE IT) or beyond the borders of the next country. Stop beating yourself up for not having super powers. None of us do. We all make the best judgments we can based on what we know. Just as you did. You did not cause, nor could you have prevented, what happened. Guilt and atonement and redemption for that particular crime are reserved for those who participated in it. Not you.

2:23 PM, July 25, 2009  
Anonymous Diane (TT) said...

Cary - there's a song, Happy Town, by Jill Sobule that your comments made me think of. The blandness may be good for a time, but not, as you say, to the extent that you find yourself not growing.

Of course, my natural habitat is a rut, so my personal biochemistry is obviously different.

Please continue to keep up with us - we miss you when you don't, and take every care with yourself - we're rooting for you!

mermi - plural for larval merfolk.

2:42 PM, July 25, 2009  
Blogger orangehands said...

Listen to all the smart CBs above.

I miss your voice. It's so beautiful.

We're here when you need us


((HUGS))

12:27 PM, July 30, 2009  
Anonymous McB said...

What everybody said. We're here.

10:03 AM, August 06, 2009  

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