Anger
I thought I'd given up on anger. It's pointless to be angry with someone who's mentally ill. Her mind isn't capable of understanding. So what's the point in being mad?
But I've learned it isn't that easy to just let it go. I've been storing it up in a little box in my soul for all these years. But anger is corrosive; over all this time, the acid has eaten through that box and slowly leached into my heart. It poisons my everyday thoughts, and twists my every relationship.
I have to find a way to let it go - even if it means finally acknowledging all that pain, all that hate. It's time to pull it up, examine it, and let it go. So...
I'm angry at my mother: for not being the mother I so desperately needed. I'm angry for her accusations, her assumption that the daughter she raised could stray so far. I'm angry for all the times she accused my father of things he didn't do, tainting forever after my every interaction with him. I'm angry for all the times she embarrassed me in front of my friends. I'm angry for all the friends she made me drive away, for all the friends I never made, because I knew she wouldn't approve.
I'm angry with my father: for not being the father I so desperately needed. For every time he failed to shield me from my mother's delusions. For every time I needed a fatherly hug, but didn't get so much as a pat on the shoulder. For not protecting me soon enough.
I'm angry with my sister: for not stepping in to be the mother I so desperately wanted, until it was too late. Stupid I know. But to a 5-year old, a 15-year old sister looks so worldly and adult. I'm angry with her for not guiding me when I just needed someone to tell me what was normal and what wasn't. I'm angry with her for not seeing the damage Mom has already done to our family, and how much more damage she's capable of creating.
I'm angry with my best friend: for every time she made fun of or disparaged her parents' relationship. I just want to slap her, and tell her how lucky she was, how lucky she is, to have two parents capable of showing love and affection, sharing good and bad.
I'm angry with the Family Court: for not protecting me from my mother soon. For not protecting MY interests in my parents' long-running divorce.
And finally, I'm angry with myself: for not letting this all go.
posted by Cary at 8:23 PM
4 Comments:
Your post reminded me of something I read awhile ago about improving your health by improving the state of your liver... kinda New Age herbal medicine stuff mostly.
--Bear with me, this really is going somewhere--
What stuck in my memory wasn't the types of herbs you should take, but another piece of advice. I quote:
Get angry. The liver is the storehouse of unexpressed rage. And, yes, we are all angry about "life as it is" as one of my teachers puts it. My mentor, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, favored a Manhattan phone book and a rubber radiator hose as a way to "wake up and work out" anger. A rolled-up newspaper and a cushion, a tennis racket and a bed, or even boxing gloves and a "heavy bag" will also work. Don't wait until you are angry. Make it a part of your routine, just like brushing your teeth. Set aside at least thirty minutes a week to bring your anger to the surface. You will be shocked at the rapid benefits this brings your liver and your health.
(from http://www.synergy-health.co.uk/articles/susun_liver.html)
I liked the idea of making it a regular practice to work out all my anger issues. I tend to use exercise as exorcism, getting the inner demons out through a physical process, but whatever works, keep doing it!
Doesn't make the root causes of my anger go away, but I feel better than if I stew about them.
I think Mary is on to something. We all carry anger around with us to some degree or another. Expressing it is the best form of releasing it so that it doesn't gain power over your life. Better you beat a phone book than yourself.
I've been angry and I know how hard it can be to let go of it. But I also know that the anger does me more harm that the person it is directed to. Did knowing that make my anger disappear? No. But it did give me an incentive to finally get past it.
Venting is an excellent way to get past those feelings. Sometime you need to let it all out. With someone you trust, if there is such a person, or at the very least by writing it all down, even if nobody but you ever sees it. Part of the problem with anger is that it is a feeling and that makes it harder to manager. So voicing it in some way gives it substance and dimension which allows you to finally get a handle on it.
Hey, Cary--My dad's mom was--something--either she had hallucinations or she was just always trying to get attention. Either way, she made my mother's life miserable. Mom is 80 now, and Katerina is several decades dead, but the mention of K's name still makes Mom boil over. Mom is hurting herself again and again with the anger she keeps and treasures. Maybe someday she can let it go. I hope so. I've heard people say, "It's like I forgot to be mad." when they get over it. And then they're lighter, easier. I hope for this for my mom, and for everyone who is hurting from anger.
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