Thursday, May 03, 2007

Progress/The Cinder Block Wall

I have made progress (at last!) this past week. Many times before, I have been at a place in my head where it is okay to dress attractively, to wear flattering makeup, and take care to style my hair. But each time, I would hit a point where I would retreat, and not ever "know" why.

This time, I know that the voice in my head, telling me I shouldn't wear that, I shouldn't look like that, is my mother's. And I know she doesn't belong in there. I can take this fear of trying to be attractive and toss it back. It isn't mine. It doesn't belong to me. The girl with minimal makeup, practical clothes, and hair in a clip isn't me.

I am feminine. I like to feel "casually sexy". I like to dress in flattering clothes and wear nice makeup. I like to hear compliments about my skin and my hair. I still love to hear that I'm a great organizer, great assistant, great servicing agent, but I want people to see more of me! I want people to remember my smile, and how I laughed at something silly.

So that is my progress.

But these other fears? I still can't name them. Every time we try to journey a little deeper, this cinder block fortress wall pops up in my brain. And those nameless fears are right there, in the darkness, building the wall a little higher.

The therapist keeps pushing, trying to find a way to help me around, over, or under the wall, but each time, the wall gets higher and more menacing, until it feels like a physical weight in my head.


Blogger Sheryl said...

That's great progress, Cary! You done good, girl.

6:30 AM, May 05, 2007  
Blogger Margaret said...

Cary, hang in there. True progress doesn't come in giant leaps, but in baby steps, so some days you move faster than other days. Just keep moving.

7:54 AM, May 05, 2007  

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