Monday, April 16, 2007

Depression

What does depression feel like? There is a song playing on the radio right now that says it well for me: "Into the Ocean" by Blue October.

...Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down....



That is what it feels like to me. It starts with a need to escape - to just walk into the ocean. Let the cold water wash right over you, make you numb. Buffeted by the waves, just body surfing to the rythm of the ocean.

And then the current catches you and before you know it, the ocean has pulled you past the breakwater. That's when you start to feel anxious, worry that you've gone to far. But the ocean is relentless, the current so strong now you can't break free.

Hypothermia sets in. You begin to lose consciousness, you see the ocean as a higher power. You aren't giving up; you're giving in to a greater force. Peace sets in. You know it isn't a real peace, but it could be the end of the pain, so you let go. Into the ocean. End it all.

Don't worry. I'm not in danger of jumping overboard. I'm actually on an upswing. (Or to continue the metaphor, the Coast Guard came along with good meds and a pretty decent therapist.)

It's just that I'm starting to see how I came to this place in my life. There is good, and there is bad, but it is time to swim out of the ocean and accept my rescue. I am worthy of this life.

3 Comments:

Blogger Lindsay said...

I am worthy of this life.

yes, you very much are. i'm glad you accepted the hand. very glad, and very grateful.

(HUGS)

-OH

11:10 PM, April 16, 2007  
Blogger McB said...

Very worthy. Lots of hands out there. Just reach out. Cue really really old Jackson 5 song. Really old.

9:31 AM, April 17, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK - first things first, get your butt out of the water and onto dry land right this minute. Towel off and don't look back. You will have an amazing future. You are an interesting and funny and unexpectedly happy presence(present) in my life. So don't even think about getting wet again. Really.

Now, my son, Walker(DS13) and I love this song! Turn it up, sing it loud(he much better than I), love it. But I've always seen it as hopeful, as survival thing. I am ever the optimist though. My glass is always half full, I will always keep going, maybe not fast, maybe only in my head, but it is there. I continue to applaud and cheer your decision to crawl through the glass to get to a calmer place.

Andi

6:19 AM, April 18, 2007  

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