No Peace
Now it seems even the limited solace of books is beyond my grasp. My whole life, books have been there for me; sometimes, the only one there for me. When I needed escape, when I needed to wrap myself up in someone else's life, books provided a path. When I could no longer feel my own pain, books were there to help me feel alive again.
All I needed was a book. A few pages, a few hundred words, and peace could be mine, if only for an hour or two.
Now, even that is gone. I don't remember the last time I was able to actually finish a new book. A To-Be-Read pile was a foreign concept to me. Now, my TBR pile takes up an entire shelf; bookmarks mock me every time I dare to look.
As for my old friends - the faithful, dog-eared companions that I thought would always be there for me - they've turned their backs on me. Like an old friend who's moved on with life, a few words is all the time they can spare for me now.
Know peace? Once upon a time, I did.
All I needed was a book. A few pages, a few hundred words, and peace could be mine, if only for an hour or two.
Now, even that is gone. I don't remember the last time I was able to actually finish a new book. A To-Be-Read pile was a foreign concept to me. Now, my TBR pile takes up an entire shelf; bookmarks mock me every time I dare to look.
As for my old friends - the faithful, dog-eared companions that I thought would always be there for me - they've turned their backs on me. Like an old friend who's moved on with life, a few words is all the time they can spare for me now.
Know peace? Once upon a time, I did.
posted by Cary at 10:32 PM
4 Comments:
isn't it horrible? i so rarely get to read books (i want as opposed to schoolwork) up here. i miss reading. i miss my books.
Ya know how I know I'm not 100%, I just keep reading. So maybe restlessness with a book is not such a bad thing. Maybe your head wants you to be where you are. I know I've got to figure some stuff out, stupid midlife crap. I'm not much of an ask for advice person. I have to figure things out on my own, so I own the solution. Reading fills my head so I don't have to get to what needs to get done. Sit where you are and take some deep breathes. You probably need to be there.
And when was the last time you cracked up? Sit your fanny down, watch The Office or an SNL rerun or go get The Lightning Bolt Kid by Bill Bryson, and laugh out loud.
How was the Sports Bar outing?
I go through that every so often. I pick up a book and I just can't focus. Its usually because I'm feeling stressed or just have things on my mind that I can't let go of. The books haven't let me down, I'm just having trouble letting them in.
Give it some time. Maybe its a question of finding the right book to fit your mood. Or finding the right mood to fit the book. You'll get there.
Cary, has it occurred to you that you are now strong enough you don't need to hide in books? Maybe something there is ready to be dealt with. Once you deal with it -- and yes, I think you are strong enough -- then you will regain the ability to lose yourself in someone else's story for the pure joy of it rather than as a defense.
Yes, I have been there, too.
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